PATIENT: i used to be really afraid of being hospitalized, like really, genuinely terrified, to the point where sometimes i was scared that if i even so much as implied i was having a rough time, you know, mentally, they’d have me locked up. my last therapist said she knew me well enough, that i wouldn’t kill myself and so she didn’t think she had to report me to anyone for cutting myself. but i know you don’t know me that well, and you probably don’t trust me, so i’m going to tell you something else first and i want you to decide if you think i should be hospitalized or not.
THERAPIST: okay.
PATIENT: so, i, um. i have this bottle of pills under my bed. okay so – my parents, they’ll buy these giant bottles of ibuprofen, 500 a piece, and then of course they’re locked up in the medicine chest so i don’t, you know, kill myself or something. anyway they were out of the house one day, i don’t really remember, but my mom’s keys were still on the hook right over the medicine chest so i just took them and unlocked it and stuffed one of those big unopened bottles in my pocket, and when i took it to my room i got out this box i have under my bed – kind of funny, actually, it’s the box i shoved all my medical stuff into, you know, from the hospital and residential and stuff, lots of papers, and then i just never look at it again – but yeah i put it in there. as sort of a “just in case”, you know, just in case i wanted to kill myself for whatever reason. i’d have it. but i, you know, um, obviously i didn’t do that.
THERAPIST: ... and is it still there?
PATIENT: yeah. well actually i recently moved it to the bottom drawer of my dresser. so i can access it, i mean, i only ever took it out at all if i had a headache and it was like, 2 am, and i didn’t want to have to wake up my parents just to get some ibuprofen, you know? so i still have it. and it’s been there for like, a year. i don’t know. but it’s just been... like, weighing on my mind, i guess. because i– i mean, i used to think i wanted to kill myself. i mean i did. i did want to. but at some point i must’ve just stopped, because, i mean. like that’s what i would think about, like, i would be thinking “oh i wanna just kill myself” but then it’s like, “no you fucking don’t. if you wanted that you would’ve done it already. you would’ve at least tried.” you know? does that make any sense?
THERAPIST: yeah, it does. so... you don’t have suicidal ideation anymore?
PATIENT: well, not really i guess. not like before. i still think about it but not in a really serious way, you know, in a way where i’m actually going to do anything. like i said i could’ve done it already. it’s not like i never had the chance. my parents wouldn’t, check in on me if i didn’t leave my room for a day or two. and that would’ve been it. i could’ve done it. i just... didn’t. and i think it’s the fact that i didn’t kinda led to me not thinking about it so much, because it’s like, well, ok, you don’t actually want it that badly.
[PAUSE]
PATIENT: so anyway, yeah, um, i guess, personally i think... that’s enough, right. i could’ve killed myself at any point over the past few months and i didn’t. i won’t. not soon anyway, i mean, maybe someday in a few years or so but not right now no. but what about you? do you think i... [LAUGHS] can i be trusted with myself?